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Category Archives: Humor

Almost Famous

When I began to pursue writing, my dad gave me some advice, “you need to be able to be found.” In order to build an audience who would read my stuff, I needed an on-line presence.

So I googled myself…and I discovered that my name is extremely common…and a rising music artist popping onto the scene who shares my name means that the first ten pages of a google search are mostly devoted to her.

Recently someone tagged me on twitter and instagram saying they were enjoying my “musical stylings.” @kathryndeanofficial jumped in to correct the mistaken identity. (What makes her any more official? I’m also officially Kathryn Dean. I have a drivers license, social security card, and passport to prove it.) ūüėČ

Coincidentally, I am also a musician. Okay, so I’m not exactly famous unless you count the autographs I signed as a member of the Iowa State Fair Singers, but I’ve been a singer most of my life. It fascinates me to see the commonalities in interests and professional pursuits that many Kathryn Deans share. (An interesting takeaway from my google search)

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Kathryn Dean (official)                                                  Kathryn Dean

(In the first picture, I clearly have my stage makeup on)

Another Kathryn Dean I am often mistaken for is a producer/production manager who has worked on many popular movies, most recently Winter’s Bone. I receive emails from enthusiastic crew members hoping to work with me on my next movie. They send accolades and resumes. I was kind enough to respond to many of them informing them they had an incorrect email address. But recently, one thorough applicant included my email and the real producer¬†Kate Dean‘s email.

I now had a place to forward all of these misdirected emails. Or better yet…

I quickly wrote her saying how nice it was to finally “meet,” and promptly offered to be her assistant and vet all these applicants I received. I haven’t heard back with a job offer…yet.

Apparently I am being found. Unfortunately, I’m not the Kathryn Dean they are looking for. As John Green penned, it appears there truly is an abundance of Kathryns.

So, I’ve decided to try out new names. Authorly, writerish names like Ann, or Jane, or Virginia, or Joan. Have you ever noticed how many successful authors are named Ann? Lamott, Patchett, Rice, Bronte, Radcliffe…

Ann Dean, Anna Dean that has a nice ring to it.

Never mind there are 73,000,000 google results for Anna Dean…and one of them is already a published novelist. I knew it was an authorly name.

I suppose it best to stick with my given name…and maybe spend less time on google and more time writing.

~Just to be clear, I’m honored to share a name with all of these accomplished women, but it couldn’t hurt to include my middle name in my byline. ūüėČ

 
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Posted by on July 7, 2015 in Humor

 

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Reflections on my coffee addiction…

A few weeks ago I published a post titled,¬†‚ÄúThank You for the¬†Coffee‚Ä̬†an ABBA-esque tribute to my husband and his loving coffee service.¬†

A few days ago the unthinkable happened.

There was no coffee in the house.

My thoughtful and loving husband had forgotten to mention he used the last of it to make coffee the day before. The panic stricken thoughts that ran through my mind were jarring.

“How could he FORGET to tell me we ran out of coffee?”

“He KNOWS how much my morning DEPENDS on coffee!”¬†

“Calm down. It will be ok. There is chai tea. I can just make some of that.”

“Ok, it’s not as good, but once I wake up, I can run to the store and buy real coffee.”

“How am I supposed to wake up?!”

This whole scenario made me really think hard about the history and nature of my coffee addiction. (Apparently, when I think hard, I think in bullet point lists.)

  • ¬†I used to beg sips out of my mother’s coffee as a child (or often my dad’s because he added more sugar).
  • ¬†The first time I drank coffee out of necessity was after a late night science project in middle school.
  • ¬†I began to drink coffee regularly in college and even had a 4-cup coffee pot in my room.
  • ¬†Probably the last time I went without was more than seven years ago while pregnant with my 4th child. Even then, I’m sure I just gave it up the first trimester.
  • ¬†My addiction has now reached a level of panic and caffeine withdrawal symptoms if I miss my morning coffee.
  • One cup is like trying to eat one potato chip. I drink up to three every morning and often one in the afternoon.
  • The coffee experience is as much about the morning ritual as it is about the caffeine. The caffeine keeps me from having a headache, but the ritual starts my morning with a peaceful warm cup of joy during my quiet reading time.¬†
  • ¬†Coffee is a vehicle for pleasant conversations with good friends.

Does any of this alarm me or make me think I should cut back?

 Absolutely not. 

I live in the land of a Starbucks on every corner and hip, trendy coffee shops on the opposite corner. 

I will, however, be more aware of our supply in the future. A morning without coffee is no morning at all.

 
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Posted by on August 5, 2014 in Humor, Memoir

 

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A break-up letter to email marketing:

Dear Random Store,

I visited you once a couple weeks ago and we had a great time. We really did. I enjoyed your bright colors, nice smells, and variety of textiles. I even made a purchase. That was when you got all excited and assumed I was interested in a long and meaningful relationship. You asked for my email address. You were so casual about it, too, like it was all for my benefit.

“We keep track of your purchases and you earn points,” you said.

“We notify you of special sales,” you said.

Now, don’t get me wrong. You were very nice about it, and I don’t mind a benefit or two for my loyalty. Unfortunately, what you failed to mention, and I failed to figure out on our first meeting is that you are very clingy, needy, and sometimes downright annoying.

I’m sorry to be so blunt, but it would appear from my in-box that you run a special sale every. single. day. I’m sure it is just a ruse to see me again. I’m sorry that I have not been back in a while. But, what about our one-time meeting (which was great, as I already mentioned) made you think that I would want to hear from you every day? We may have had a good time, but we are still casual acquaintances, at best.

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You seem to think we are more than casual. Therefore, I have no other option but to break up with you. I will click “here” to unsubscribe, and when you send me to a different site to click

“here”

“here”

and “here”

I will do that as well.

Heaven forbid you ask me to “sign in” to unsubscribe….because then….well, I’m just screwed and will be forced to label your emails as spam. No offense.

If your seductive displays lure me into your store in the future, I will play it cool and keep my personal information to myself.

Sincerely,

Casual Customer

P.S. Little did I know that if I admit I “like” you on Facebook you get even more excited and not only send me emails, but also take over my newsfeed. Have some self-respect. Maybe even see a counselor. This much need for attention from others is unhealthy.

 
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Posted by on April 29, 2014 in Humor, Uncategorized

 

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