A break-up letter to email marketing:

29 Apr

Dear Random Store,

I visited you once a couple weeks ago and we had a great time. We really did. I enjoyed your bright colors, nice smells, and variety of textiles. I even made a purchase. That was when you got all excited and assumed I was interested in a long and meaningful relationship. You asked for my email address. You were so casual about it, too, like it was all for my benefit.

“We keep track of your purchases and you earn points,” you said.

“We notify you of special sales,” you said.

Now, don’t get me wrong. You were very nice about it, and I don’t mind a benefit or two for my loyalty. Unfortunately, what you failed to mention, and I failed to figure out on our first meeting is that you are very clingy, needy, and sometimes downright annoying.

I’m sorry to be so blunt, but it would appear from my in-box that you run a special sale every. single. day. I’m sure it is just a ruse to see me again. I’m sorry that I have not been back in a while. But, what about our one-time meeting (which was great, as I already mentioned) made you think that I would want to hear from you every day? We may have had a good time, but we are still casual acquaintances, at best.


You seem to think we are more than casual. Therefore, I have no other option but to break up with you. I will click “here” to unsubscribe, and when you send me to a different site to click



and “here”

I will do that as well.

Heaven forbid you ask me to “sign in” to unsubscribe….because then….well, I’m just screwed and will be forced to label your emails as spam. No offense.

If your seductive displays lure me into your store in the future, I will play it cool and keep my personal information to myself.


Casual Customer

P.S. Little did I know that if I admit I “like” you on Facebook you get even more excited and not only send me emails, but also take over my newsfeed. Have some self-respect. Maybe even see a counselor. This much need for attention from others is unhealthy.

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Posted by on April 29, 2014 in Humor, Uncategorized


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